Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

12 ways to Check your Lemons

Posted January 30, 2012 Life, Mom Media No Comments

Donkey balls.  I suffered sat through basketball practice and wrote this whole post, then my stupid wordpress app deleted the whole thing. Grr.

Pretty much, it was to say two things.  (Only 2 because I am feeling sick and dealing with a rather annoying weather-related headache.  Stupid barometric pressure.)

Number one:

I think one of my main jobs, as a 3-dayer-for-life, is to educate others about breast cancer.  I may be falling down on this job, just a bit, but today I came across this awesome graphic that does this beautifully.  Before you peek, could you list 12 signs of breast cancer?  I’m not sure I could…but I think this graphic will definitely keep the signs in my head.

 

Click on the image to enlarge

 

Number two:

I’m still searching for your input on topic ideas for my audition.  Although, I’m beginning to think I am asking just to stall the actual writing.  I mean, I don’t have a great idea in my head, but I do know that bitching about it isn’t going to make the audition piece write itself.  {Note to self: stop futzing around and just write already.} {Response from self: Ok, damn, lay off.}

(Side note: do other people use the word “futzing?”  My mom has all sorts of words like this, from thingamajig to doo-gee-wap, but it occurs to me right now that it might be a “mom” word, and not a world-wide known word.)

Alright, I’m off to bed…

Check your lemons!

 

Help Wanted

Posted January 29, 2012 Mom Media 4 Comments

 

Here we are, nearing the end of January, and nearing the end of this month’s NaBloPoMo.  I’ve done pretty well, I’d say.  I missed a few days here and there, but I think I’m going to go ahead and call it a win.  Mostly because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want to.  So there.

The next question is, do I sign up for February?  That’s a tough one.  I don’t want to have to blog every day – because that can be a pain in the ass – but it does, at least, make me write something.  Hopefully more kick ass somethings, than so-so ones.

Also, since I have this audition for Listen to Your Mother coming up, I’m going to need to write something good to preform.  And right now, I don’t have a thing.  Nothing.  At all.  Not even a topic.

Yeah.  {Screwed.}

This is where y’all come in.  I wanted to ask you all, what do you think?  Which of my posts do you like?  What topic should I discuss?  Anything I’ve written so far that you loved and I can build on?  Anything that was incredibly lame?

 

 

 

I really need you to help me out, dammit!

See this is the point that I always get stuck at: the starting point.  I look at a task and I get overwhelmed and I just can’t move forward.  House is a mess…don’t know where to start…don’t clean the house.  Huge project due…don’t know what to do…don’t do the project.  Got to get healthy…overwhelmed…don’t do anything.  Audition to perform…don’t know where to start….NooooOOoooooo!  Not again!

If I can’t even figure out what to write, I guarantee I won’t finish starting this whole big mess. And that is just not an option at this point.  I found a way to push outside of my normal safety zone, and I’m determined to go through with it.  Win or lose, I want to give it a great go.

I guess this is where February’s NaBloPoMo might help.  Perhaps I’ll treat every day as a mini writing session for the audition.  (Don’t worry – I want it to be in my voice, so I will still do my best to be funny and relatable and maybe even poignant too.)

Now, just tell me what the hell I should write about!

No, seriously, leave a comment.

Now.

Pleaseandthankyou.

 

 

I’m good at reality tv

Posted January 25, 2012 Life 1 Comment

I am forever stuck in my teenage years.

(Actually, I’m not…and thank GOD for that.  Cause, that was some serious, serious crap.)

But, in the way that I love MTV reality shows – particularly The Challenge – I am still a teenager.

To prove it, this year I’ve joined a fantasy leauge to make it even better…if that’s even possible.

Yes, MTV goes against all that I want to stand for in Mommydom.  (No, daughters, you can’t get fall-down-drunk on television. No, daughters, you can not date a guy that jokes about his balls on television.  No, daughters, you sure as hell can NOT, but any means, have sex with random people while a man holding a video camera watches and records you all for the sake of television.  No, no, and HELL to the NO.)

But it pairs perfectly with my late night obsessions: wine and chocolate and the love of all things ridiculously over the top and cheesy.  This is my Mommy perk – I get to watch the shows that are devoid of anything useful to my intelect and full of debauchery.  I get to laugh at their dumb asses for making fools of themselves.  Even if it’s nothing I would ever want my kids to watch.  Cause I’m the adult.  And I said so.  So there.

To make my teenage regression even better, I’m going to add some gambling!  Pretty much, each player gets to pick 4 cast members, then we just watch the drama unfold.  You are awarded points when your cast member does anything you would feel horrible about in real life – fighting, excessive drinking, sexual acts – and when they win challenges.  All the points are added at the end of the season and the team with the most points wins the dough!

We did the draft the other day and I got Aneesa, CT, LeRoy, and Dunbar.  Not the best overall, but I’m hoping CT and LeRoy will take me far in that both are good competitors.  Also, CT is as crazy as crazy comes and LeRoy is nothing but a man whore.

{Yes, I am in fact watching the first episode and tallying my points while I write this post.}

You know what’s going to suck, though?  If I suck at this.  Because I totally blew in almost all of my fantasy football leauges this year, and if I suck at this too, I’m going to be pissed.  If nothing else, I should be good at reality tv.  Not doing it – again, I’m not about having sex on tv – but watching it, I am good at that.  {Wow, so not something my Mom is proud of.  Oops.}

With that being said, I’ve got to bail on this post.  Mama sees lots of bodies dripping in honey and my stomach is all in knots that my people aren’t going to bring their A games. No points so far!?  Dammit!

Just so you know though, if I have to choose between blogging and the combo of reality and gambling….reality gambling will win.  Every. Single. Time.

 

 

Blogging is hard, mkay?

Posted January 24, 2012 Mom Media 6 Comments

Oh Lord…

8 more days of posts to write.  8 more days of funny to bring.  8 more days of ideas to squeeze out of my mind.

NaBloPoMo January 2012
Really?  I don’t think this ol’ betty has got 8 more days – even if we all got together and prayed really hard.  (Not to mention that it would be really selfish of me to ask y’all to pray that I write good blog posts for 8 more days in a row when we could all be wishing for much more important things.  Like world peace.  Or for a united nation, no longer torn apart from politics.  Or the end of those really annoying radio commercials in which two people talk to each other in a “nonchalant” kind of way in order to repeatedly tell us a phone number to call.  “What number did you call, Betty?  Was it 888-your-mom?”  “Yep, 888-your-mom.”  “You said 888-your-mom, right?”  “You’ve got it, Norma!  888-your-mom!”  Yeah. That. Lets pray to end that.)

Anyway, regardless of praying, today I am low on interest and feeling burnt out.  And now, while I really do like her posts and love how she runs NaBloPoMo, Melissa had to go and have this to say…

“You’re participating in NaBloPoMo, which means you need to drag yourself to the computer whether you want to or not. I know that sitting down in front of the screen is hard, but I promise you, you’ll feel better once you do it. It’s like exercising: sometimes it hurts to pull on the shorts and sports bra, you sigh loudly as you drive to the gym, and you pretty much want to cry when you step onto the treadmill. But you feel so damn good when it’s over that you can almost forget that you need to go through this again the next day.”

…which made me want to throw my laptop at her.

I mean, for me, most of that is accurate.  Drag to the computer? Check.  Sigh loudly as I drive to the gym?  Check.  Cry on the treadmill?  Hell yes that’s a check.  Feel so damn good when it’s over that I almost forget all this pain?  Um, hells to the em effin no.  Not at the gym, and not when I’m writing.

Sure, sometimes it comes easily.  Sometimes I can laugh and write really easily and tackle that elliptical like it’s my bitch.  Hell, I can even be thankful I worked out/wrote from time to time.  But, around day 18 or so, blogging gets to be a whole different kind of beast.

This is more how I see it:

Moms, do you remember when you had your baby, and you saw it’s smiling cooing little bald head, and then your raging hormones made you forget about all the pain the little bundle of joy just caused you?  You forgot about the fact that at least half a dozen people saw your junk all in the air doing things that really shouldn’t humanly be possible.  You forgot that you pushed a semi-alien life form outside of a tiny whole in your body that shouldn’t have allowed even the smallest bit of that baby out under normal circumstances.  You forgot how much that really flipping sucked for the next few days while you bled uncontrollably or had never-ending pain in your nethers or how you couldn’t stand without yelping or how you couldn’t even freaking poop.

Well, now…you know how that same child stayed up all night long crying and not sleeping just because it freaking could?  And how that child threw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store when you were surrounded by what felt like hundreds of other judgy moms?  And how that same child pushed every single one of your buttons and then it said something like, “you don’t do anything for me, MOM!”

And do you remember, how at those exact moments, every single horrific ache and pain came flooding back to your memory and you were all like, “OH HELL TO THE MUTHA FRACKING NO!  I SURE AS HELL DID BIRTH YOU, AND I HAVE THE VAGINA/STRETCH MARKS/PTSD TO PROVE IT!”

Yeah, that’s how I feel about writing.  Sometimes I enjoy what I wrote.  That baby is fresh and new and smells like powder and nurses easily and has the cutest little non-poop-stained onesies to wear.  Sometimes I re-read that post and think I did a good job and that I could do that again, easy peasy.  And that my next post would come out of me like like rainbows out of a unicorn.  Beautiful, poetic.  Awesome.

Other days, writing is like birthing a small elephant.  It hurts and it’s hard and the elephant smells horrifically bad and leaves nothing but giant loads of crap in it’s wake.  And afterward, I think it would be better for everyone involved if I were to pay my cat to walk across the keyboard instead of me trying to do it all over again. Because that post was lame, poorly written, and just plain bad.

Yeah, that’s how I feel about writing.  It a nutshell.

But, just for the record, I’m hoping the next 8 days will be less elephantine, and much more rainbows and unicorns.

Fingers crossed.

 

Dear Government

Posted January 18, 2012 Mom Media 5 Comments

 

 

Dear Government,

If you break our internet we will kick your ass.
If you make us stop blogging we will kick your ass.
If youtube and facebook and twitter and wikipedia go forever dark, we will kick your ass.
If the internet becomes less secure and less innovative and fraught with censorship, we will kick your ass.

 

If you pass SOPA/PIPA we will totally, and completely, kick your ass.

 

Love,
The interwebs.

PS: Hey, interwebs, so you can thoroughly make your bark as big as your bite, check out SOPA breaks the internet and add your voice.

3 people read my blog

Posted January 17, 2012 Mom Media 5 Comments

If you noticed, I totally skipped blogging yesterday.  I’m supposed to be in the throws of NaBloPoMo (one post a day) for January, but I was just in too much of a “return from vacation” stupor/hangover/freak-out that I decided to say screw it.  I hope none of you are forever scarred.

Also, I did get news yesterday that people I know read my blog, and that has sent me into a crazy blogger tizzy.

My blog.  Read by neighbors and friends and instructors and who-the-hell-else-knows.

Yikes.

See, I don’t actually share this site with people in “real life.”  I don’t throw it out there to everyone I know.  I know there are a few hundred of you that check in on a normal basis, but not too many I see on a regular Saturday night.  Mostly because this blog is my little piece of sanity that I can use however the hell I see fit.  I knew that a few friends read it occasionally, sure, and that was about it.  But, I had three people in the same room – none of which I met through any kind of social media, and none of whom were related to me in any way – that all knew about my blog.

GULP.

I guess 3 is the tipping point for me because I find this both totally exciting and highly nerve wracking.

“More people are reading!  Woohoo!  They think I’m funny!  Woohoo!  I must actually be a blogger!  Woohoo!”

was directly followed by:

“What if they are totally weird-ed out by all the crap I write about?”  (As I’ve said in the past, I don’t exactly sound like this in real life, unless you’ve known me for 10+ years or have gotten me drunk.  As an example, I heard the other day that another couple called me quiet. Bwahahahaha!)

“What if they tell more people about it and then all of a sudden there are people reading that I called a jerk in a previous post?”

“What if they’re like, “Wow!  That Mandy sure is one hell of a bad mom and a nut job to boot!” then divert their eyes every time they pass me around town?”

Yeah.  Neuroses.  I’ve got ‘em.

Long post short…or not…

Hi, new readers!  Hi, friends of mine!  If you are new to Last Minute Mommy, welcome!  Be warned, though: I cuss like a sailor, I talk a lot, I bitch about motherhood (but love my kids) and fitness and life in general, and sometimes I let out the inner crazy. So, pretty much, I’m just like you.  Only, I am constantly late and so much less on my game.

Whether you’re new to this version of me or not, I’m glad your here.  I hope you enjoy your stay.

You’ll find the padded room rather comfy once you settle in with a big ole’ glass of sangria.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

It’s funny time, bitches!

Posted January 1, 2012 Life 9 Comments

 

Remember back in November, when I was NaBloPoMo-ing?

And then remember how I fell off the face of the planet for ALL of December?

(About that: hopefully you’ll forgive me.  I mean, there was all kinds of list-making, and shopping, and tree trimming, and cleaning, and baking, and cooking, and wrapping, and decking, and card sending, and party crashing, and screaming, and yelling, and stress-induced freakouts and all that overwhelming JOY.  All of that tends to keep one busy.)

 

NaBloPoMo January 2012

 

Well, I figured I could use a little more NaBloPoMo back in my life if I were to ever write again.

And you could all use more of me in your lives.  Right?

*Crickets*

Huh.  Well, tough shit, you get me anyway.

But since it’s not the official “National Blog Post Month” right now, BlogHer is doing things differently.  There’s not nearly as many participants, so they make every blogger break up into catagories.  You know: Book lovers, family bloggers, cooking blogs, traveler, anonymous foaming, etc.

Unfortunately, they didn’t have a listing for “schizophrenic.”  Or one for sarcasm.  Or even one for “halfway to bat-shit crazy.”

Instead, I signed up under humor.

Humor.

What the hell was I thinking?  I can turn it on every once in a while, sure, but can I really bring it for 31 days in a row!?!  (And, let me please add a big ol’ EM EFFER to the fact that I chose a long month to do this.  Em. Effer.)

Also, not to mention, that I obviously want to throw in some writting about all my other random stuff – resolutions, family trials, rants about random jerks off the street – so now I have the added pressure of making all those posts funny too.

I’m so screwed.

And now, seeing as how you are totally along for the ride, you are too!

Yay!  31 days of me being humorous!

It’s funny time, bitches!

 

Sharing Thoughts

Posted November 29, 2011 Life 6 Comments

 

I have come to realize that I like to blog to share my thoughts.  (It’s a simple idea, I know.  But stick with me…)

In reality I do not do this very often.  I keep my thoughts inside for various reasons.  Sometimes it’s unintentional – I just want to not think for a while, or I’m distracted by something else.  But sometimes it is very much intentional.  I don’t want to get too upset.  I don’t want to rock the boat.  I don’t think anyone would care.  I don’t want to let you see behind the curtain.  I want to stay happy and upbeat and lighthearted.  I don’t want the world to know that I secretly love cussing and that I want a healthier life and that I worry.  All of these are valid reasons, in my eyes.

When I do let out these thoughts in real life, they sometimes careen out of control.  I may scream at the top of my lungs with obscenities.  I may get sidetracked and stumble over the eloquently prepared verses so that they come out as “uh, yeah, that. “  It is all too often that, in real life, my voice just gets kind of lost.  Yes – I can be rather loud in person – but that doesn’t mean the sound I’m making is what I find important, what I’m truly thinking.  It’s not the meat of me.

If I had to guess, I’d think a lot of people are like that.  We all want to be known.  Are thoughts make us “us” and keeping it inside just doesn’t seem like your are being true or living all of life.  Even if I do want to be the happiest person in the room, I also want to think sometimes too – just in my own place, in my own time.

Blogging is a way of putting it out there.  Of being you.  It is in fact, you, living.  I know it seems counter intuitive – that me, hiding behind this computer, putting ideas out over the internet as a face-less being would equal me living – but it is true somehow.  Yes, doing it in person in great too.  But sometimes it’s just not possible.  And blogging makes it be possible.  Sometimes I get to let out the deep thinker, sometimes the cussing sailor, sometimes the person that just wants to yell at the lady that’s wearing too much damn perfume.

Perhaps that’s why all bloggers crave comments.  Simply to know that they were heard.  I don’t need a bunch of people to read my blog.  I don’t need comments that stroke my ego.  I don’t need to make money or be widely known.  Okay, I’d take all of those things, but mostly…

I just want to know I’m heard.

A “like” is you hearing.  A tweet is hearing.  A mention in real life is hearing.  A blip up in analytics tells me you are hearing.  And yes, a comment is hearing – even if it just a comment that says “I’m listening.”  (Which, could possibly be construed as really creepy, but since I’m also an odd bird, I would find it rather fulfilling.)

You hearing is good.  But I think I will continue to write, regardless.  I do hope you hear me.  But I guess, even if you don’t, I’d rather write it all out than scream into a pillow.   I’d like to continue to try to be fully me here.  (With cussing and strange shifts in mood and topics be damned!)

And if you want to add to the conversation, I think that’d be pretty damn spiffy too.  Either way, I’m good.

 

 

In response to the Anytime Fitness & “Fat” Stuff…

Posted November 18, 2011 Fitness, Mom Media 1 Comment

 

(If you aren’t a fitness blogger, than you probably don’t know what this is or care whatsoever, but anyway…)

I have this huge post I made to respond to this whole Anytime Fitness blogging debacle.

I think I come out looking more like a bitch than anything else in the post, so I don’t think I will hit publish.

But there are two things I want to mention really quick, since comments are closed on two of the websites involved and my other comment on the initial blogger’s post is somehow still “in moderation” when others are being posted.

One:  The word “fat” has a negative connotation for many of us.  It can be extremely hurtful or fuel to a fire.  But either way, really, you make yourself look like an ass for using the term when referencing people as it’s simply not professional.  Just don’t do it.


Two:  (And this one is really only for those who read the blogs…)  Mr. Zehetner came back to the original post and apologized for his poor behavior that he displayed in his initial reply to that post.  The comments were then turned to “moderated-only” and his was deleted.  The comment in which he was an ass was kept, the comment in which he apologized was deleted.  In that same comment he offered to let the readers have the book for free so that they could form their own opinion.  So, all those people had the opportunity to educate themselves, but it was then deleted by the blogger.  That’s unfortunate.  And, in my opinion, irresponsible.  (I was lucky enough to catch  the comment and will be reading the book to think for myself.)

We have a responsibility to our readers to offer the whole truth.  Yes, we have the right to speak freely, scream from the internet rooftops, but also the responsibility to let others think fully.

That is all.

Halfway there #NaBloPoMo

Posted November 14, 2011 Mom Media 1 Comment

 

 

Alright, it’s almost the half way point of NaBloPoMo, so it’s time to assess.

I think, over all, all this writing has been good for my blog.  I’ve amazed myself and actually have gotten a post out every day.  Some days with only a few minutes to spare, but still, there was a post of some sort.  (This is no small feet for this last-minute lady.)  It’s helped me meet a few people through BlogHer and Twitter.  I’ve gotten some comments I wouldn’t have otherwise gotten.  And had some conversations and insights from others that have been great as well.  I’ve learned there are a few people who read all the posts I put out, surprisingly.  That what I say may actually affect someone’s mood or their outlook on the day.

That’s craziness, I tell you.  Pure craziness.

However, the down side is that I like my writing less.  Almost everything is forced.  It’s good in a way – some of the posts have been decently written and wouldn’t have otherwise been born – but it seems close to impossible to find a great topic every day.  The writing prompts are nice, but they just aren’t “me.”   (Do I prefer a pen or computer?  What song did I hear today?  Really?  Does anyone give a shit?)  Surprisingly, I don’t have a smart aleck semi-witty thing to say about everything under the sun.

Strange, I know.

Anyway, I’d say this venture is a success so far.  I’m still struggling to come up with topics (hence this post) but it is nice to practice writing just to write.  Just to use those brain cells that sometimes get locked into the recesses of my head.  Clearing out the cobwebs.

Blogging = one big ass duster.

 

 

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