Random Crap | Last Minute Mommy

Posts Tagged ‘random crap’

I’m good at reality tv

Posted January 25, 2012 Life 1 Comment

I am forever stuck in my teenage years.

(Actually, I’m not…and thank GOD for that. Cause, that was some serious, serious crap.)

But, in the way that I love MTV reality shows – particularly The Challenge – I am still a teenager.

To prove it, this year I’ve joined a fantasy leauge to make it even better…if that’s even possible.

Yes, MTV goes against all that I want to stand for in Mommydom. (No, daughters, you can’t get fall-down-drunk on television. No, daughters, you can not date a guy that jokes about his balls on television. No, daughters, you sure as hell can NOT, but any means, have sex with random people while a man holding a video camera watches and records you all for the sake of television. No, no, and HELL to the NO.)

But it pairs perfectly with my late night obsessions: wine and chocolate and the love of all things ridiculously over the top and cheesy. This is my Mommy perk – I get to watch the shows that are devoid of anything useful to my intelect and full of debauchery. I get to laugh at their dumb asses for making fools of themselves. Even if it’s nothing I would ever want my kids to watch. Cause I’m the adult. And I said so. So there.

To make my teenage regression even better, I’m going to add some gambling! Pretty much, each player gets to pick 4 cast members, then we just watch the drama unfold. You are awarded points when your cast member does anything you would feel horrible about in real life – fighting, excessive drinking, sexual acts – and when they win challenges. All the points are added at the end of the season and the team with the most points wins the dough!

We did the draft the other day and I got Aneesa, CT, LeRoy, and Dunbar. Not the best overall, but I’m hoping CT and LeRoy will take me far in that both are good competitors. Also, CT is as crazy as crazy comes and LeRoy is nothing but a man whore.

{Yes, I am in fact watching the first episode and tallying my points while I write this post.}

You know what’s going to suck, though? If I suck at this. Because I totally blew in almost all of my fantasy football leauges this year, and if I suck at this too, I’m going to be pissed. If nothing else, I should be good at reality tv. Not doing it – again, I’m not about having sex on tv – but watching it, I am good at that. {Wow, so not something my Mom is proud of. Oops.}

With that being said, I’ve got to bail on this post. Mama sees lots of bodies dripping in honey and my stomach is all in knots that my people aren’t going to bring their A games. No points so far!? Dammit!

Just so you know though, if I have to choose between blogging and the combo of reality and gambling….reality gambling will win. Every. Single. Time.

What to write?

Posted January 23, 2012 Life, Parenting 1 Comment

oday I can’t really get a grip on what I want to write.

I could write about my total paranoia that takes over when surrounded by other moms. (It all stems back to a horrible softball season when the “Mean Moms” shunned me. It wasn’t pretty. Well, let’s call a spade a spade: they were straight up bitches. And now every time I’m in a group and no one is talking to me, I revert back to thinking that they are not only talking to me, but they are all talking about me. Then my crazy ass kinda wants to assume the fetal position. Or yell “Fuck YOU, you douche baguettes!” at the top of my lungs. Both seem like a perfectly normal response. Even if the moms are just exchanging tortilla soup recipes. Perfectly. Normal.)

Or…

I could write about how American Idol nearly set my girls up to fear me eventually walking out on them. (“Mom, what do they mean that her parents ‘weren’t around?’” “It means her parents couldn’t be there to parent her at the time…that they were having their own issues – drugs, or prison – or just couldn’t be good parents at the time.” “Mom…..you’ll never leave us like that will you?” {giant inhale of breathe as I steady myself and try not to cry a river} “No, baby, I will never, ever, ever, never leave you. I promise.” “Good. Cause I’d come and say you owe me $1000 dollars if you did,” says the big one. {At least she’s thinking about how to work her angle.} “Ok, baby, but I’ll never leave, I promise.” “And I’d be really really sad if you did,” says the little one while tearing up. “I won’t go. I promise.” Thanks American Idol. Fucking thanks.)

Or…

I could simply write about all how my daughter brought the globe into the bathroom with her…to read up on Djibouti while she did the doo-ty. (Way to have educational and productive pooping, my child. I approve.)

But..

I just can’t decide, so I’ll just leave it at that and go to sleep. Last Minute Mommy, out!

Ron Jeremy Doppleganger

Posted January 7, 2012 Life 3 Comments

So, I may or may not have met a celebrity today: Ron Jeremy.

You know, the 70′s “adult movie” star?

Check it out for yourself…my husband pretended to take my picture while getting it on film:

See him on the left?! My personal favorite is when he throws his head back because he’s feeling the music so much. Go get it, Ron.

He has lost a little weight. And looks like he’s been staying out of the sun. And he’s now visiting my dry town to play guitar at the neighborhood coffee/music joint with some other random, not nearly as famous, dudes.

Oh, also: he’s wearing clothes.

But other than that, totally Ron Jeremy.

I even told the owner I thought so. She looked at me and said “Who’s Ron Jeremy?”

What!? Seriously!?

I tell her that he was “big” (ba-dum-dum…zing!) in the 70′s and that he now does cameo’s and reality tv. Which totally set her up to be like, “Why do you know who he is!?!”

Because I love 70′s porn, lady. Duh.

(I wonder how much spam that is going to bring in? Shudder. And I wonder how many of you think I actually like 70′s porn?)

I felt a bit better, when a few minutes later, another customer came up and said the same thing to her. She immediately called to me that he agreed. I still think she thought I was a freak though, being that she was twelve shades of red. Did I mention she goes to my church? Yeah. Maybe I should just move on from this topic now.

Oh, but wait! One more thing…he has his own liquor!