Posts Tagged ‘Weight loss’

Diets. Meh.

Posted January 26, 2012 Fitness 6 Comments

Diets.

Meh.

Diets suck.

Oh wait…I’m suppossed to be living a “life change,” not a diet.

But, you know what?  That’s bullshit.

I didn’t change my life.  I mean, not completely.  Not yet.

I still want to eat bread & butter like it’s my job.  I think anything I eat after midnight has no calories.  I still think peanut butter is the goo of the gods and that cantalope is complete crap.

None of that is going to change overnight…or even anytime soon.

I mean, really…who the hell wakes up one morning and goes, “HOLY FUCK!  I no longer want to eat movie theater popcorn or french fries!  I can’t stand the sight of cookies!  If I don’t get a plate full of spinach right now I’m going to die!”

 

 

"This is going to be the best freaking thing I eat all day!!! Hmmm, how many calories in just one pea?"

 

Um, no one.  No one says that.  Ever.

And who wants to be like that!?

{Dude, if you even thought the answer might be me, you obviously have no idea how much I lust after movie theater popcorn.  Me and movie theater popcorn are bffs and if you try to take it away from me I might get stabby.  No joke…I once tried to go a whole movie without it and I left the theater in a cold sweat.  Crying.  Possibly with full on detox symptoms.}

I definitely don’t want to be like that…mostly because I think I would go crazy.  Not that healthy food drives me over the edge, but completely illiminating food from my diet does.  (Again, not even kidding.  When I tried to do Atkins I nearly killed my husband.  With bacon.)  Maybe one day, down the line, I will think that the plate of spinach looks more appealing than the burger.  That’d be awesome!  But, I can’t just force that breakthrough.  That’s a battle that has to be fought.  And when it’s won, hopefully it will make that spinach taste even better.

My point:  I don’t like diets, though I’m all for trying to eat better.  It’s a difficult thing to create better eating habits. I’m still trying though, just as long as I don’t have to give up the popcorn.

That you can take from my cold dead buttery hands.

 

Crackalackin’

Posted January 11, 2012 Fitness 8 Comments

 

Grrr. After posting about yoga yesterday, I was nervous, but way excited to go back. But, of course, I didn’t make it. Sigh. Only, this time, it wasn’t totally all because of my last-minute-ness. I went to weight watchers before hand, and the meeting ran over. I didn’t even notice it til the class had already been going for 10 minutes. Sigh.

Off to the machines I went instead.

Yay.

(You can read the lack of enthusiasm, right? Good.)

Climbing on top of the stair climber slash elliptical slash death machine, I set off for my half hour of working out – mostly just hoping that I wouldn’t pass out or die in a freak accident. Seeing as how I hadn’t done any kind of cardiovascular activity since before the dawn of time (aka: Christmas) I thought this fear was well warranted.

 

The Death Machine

 

Although, I must admit, it wouldn’t be too bad to have the headline of my obit read that I died on the treadmill. I mean, that’s got to count for something, right?

Anyway, cut to 5 hours in (or, in other words, 5 minutes) and I had this full-on inner crazy monologue running in my head.

“Yes, potential gym member on a tour, that is me blasting the Lupe Fiasco at volumes to which would make small children cry. My bad.”

“Yes, gym cleaning lady, that is me breathing so hard that you did a double take. Yes, it is a huge feat for me to actually keep my lung inside my chest.”

“Yes, neighboring stair-climber, that just may have been my sweat that hit you in the face. It has a mind of its own, you know!”

“Yes, row in front of me, that loud cracking sound you heard was indeed the sound of my knee threatening a revolt and almost collapsing in on me. Music to your ears, no!?!”

I think at this point I had just about lost my cool. And consequently, this is the point in the post in which I totally stop being funny and get real fucking serious. Bare with me for a moment.

For the first time in my life, while on that machine, I was scared while exercising. My knees buckled on me 4 times. Four freaking times. That is some serious shit. I’ve been a “big girl” for a while, but I could always climb my ass on top of an elliptical and bang out a half hour workout with out much of an issue. And now my knees are under so much pressure that they simply can’t handle the load anymore. After so many years of this pressure, and after so many miles of work, they’ve simply given up.

Seriously, this really scares me. Like, for real, for real. I’m thoroughly full of fear. I’m kinda at the “I’m about to cry” point. And I so don’t want to cry anymore.

There is a part of me that doesn’t even want to put this on the blog. First of all, it’s not at all funny. Well, I guess some of it is funny. But the rest of it is only funny is you’re an asshole. (And I know you guys are not at all assholes.)

Second of all, it means that I am admitting to the issue. And that then means that I really have to do something about it. And that then means that I have to try even though I’m fraught with “IfITryAgainIMightFailAgainAndthatMightBeCrushing…Again” syndrome. Who the hell likes that? Not this girl. This girl is almost paralyzed by it.

But what’s the other option, really? To keep going this way? To keep slooooooowly putting the weight on? To sloooooooowly creep my way to diabetes and high blood pressure and depression? (Really, it’s a miracle that none of this is an issue yet.) Is that what I want for my life? For my kids or my husband? For me?

Um, in a two words: Hells. No.

Cause I’m fucking awesome, in case you didn’t know.

So, the only option is to try. To keep trying. To push myself out over the ledge (gulp) and hope that there is a net under me that not only catches me while I’m falling, but also bounces me back up.

Okay, I wanted to end this with something witty or funny or a grand closing statement. But, at this point, I think if I take the time to craft that, I won’t publish any of this, and I really really really need to publish this. So, sorry about my douche-canoe-y-ness, okay?

Click.  Publish.  Nerves.

(Wait, there is actually something! When I was spell checking this, Open Office totally knew that douche-canoe-y-ness was spelled wrong. The whole thing. High five Open Office. High fucking five.)

 

A Healthy Advent Calendar

Posted November 28, 2011 Fitness No Comments

 

I love a good advent calendar.  The chocolate filled ones are the bees knees, in particular.  Mmmmm, milk chocolaty goodness….

But, while it tastes scrumdiddlyumptious, it is not at all helpful for keeping the pounds at bay.  In a time when I overindulge at every turn, I really don’t need another sweet every day.

 

Bad chocolate. Bad.

 

Instead, this year I’ll be putting the Fitness Tree advent calendar to the test!

The girls over at Shrinking Jeans have a challenge for us all – a healthy advent calendar.  One of the bloggers that play along with them – Mary – had this great idea and was kind enough to share.  The ladies have picked it up and are now asking us all to run with it – literally.

Or yoga.  Or bootcamp.  Or walk.  Or whatever it is that you do that will keep you from fluffing up like the man in the big red suit.

It’s super simple.  Go to the Shrinking Jeans post and read.  Print out the spiffy advent tree printable and buy some stickers.  Then, everyday, move your booty.  However long you see fit, in what every way you see fit.  And after you do so, relive your Lisa-Frank-lovin’ middle school awkward years and bling up that tree with your very best glittery puffed up stickers.   (Cause putting awesome stickers on an advent calendar is just as good as chocolate.  No, I’m being serious.  It is.  No, really.  Stickers are the bomb.  Shut up.)

I think this will really help me stay on track this Christmas season.  Let me know if you do it too – we can share in the stickery fun together!

 

Movement is a gift

Posted November 9, 2011 Fitness No Comments

 

 

I just wanted to share something small with you tonight – a quote from a woman in my meeting today.  This lady started her weight loss journey at 400+ pounds.  She has a metal brace on her leg and uses a walker to help get around, but these things do not stop her!

We were celebrating her today, as she had lost 200 pounds and had walked farther than she ever had before.  She had this to say:

“Movement is a gift.  200 pounds ago I used to sit at my window and watch the world go by.  I couldn’t go out there and do like everyone else.  I just had to sit and watch it all happen – without me.  I couldn’t do anything.  Now, I can do too!  I can go out there and walk a mile! I am beyond thankful that I can now move...it is a gift that I cherish.”

Not only that, but right after the meeting she was down at the treadmills, walking away!  She got up on that machine, brace and all, and started moving forward.  This struck me.

I could use a little of this in my life.  It’s all too easy to complain, and whine, and bitch, and moan, and find excuses when it comes to work out time.  But, I can move…a lot!  I can dance with my kids!  I can do yoga!  I can walk 60 freakin’ miles!  How amazing is that!?!  After hearing her story, I’d say that I have a pretty darn good gift.

Now, to find more ways to put it to use…

Transformation Nation

Posted November 6, 2011 Fitness 2 Comments

 

I could really use a million dollars.  I could really use to lose 10% of my body weight.

So, with a deep sigh, but with elevated hopes of a great result, I’m turning to Dr. Oz.

 

 

(Side note before I go on – I’m sharing this just cause I want to.  Not because it’s “sponsored” or paid.  And not just because I think Dr. Oz has a fantastic name…even though he totally does.)

It’s pretty simple, really.  You take a health quiz (but woah nelly does Dr. Oz get all up in your personal business.  Cough*thereismentionofsex*Cough.) And you get a personalized report, fitness calendar, and place to track your progress.

Then you take 7 steps to not only qualify for the contest to win a million bucks, but to also get healthier.  Both of which would be lovely prizes.  (Imagine all the yoga classes I could sign up for! Gasp!  No really, I’m not being sarcastic this time.  I loves me some yoga.)

The steps include:

  1. Telling a friend.  (And if you are the “I enter into every social media contest I see” type, you’ll know that spamming just one of your friends isn’t too bad.  Heck, they might enter and win and you could strong arm them into a piece of the mil.  Score.)
  2. Weigh in.  This is the tricky part – you have to go to a Weight Watchers weigh-in to make it official.  You don’t have to stick around (but you can, for free, for one meeting) and you don’t have to pay any money.  You (I) just have to peel your (my) ass off the couch and go.
  3. Go get a check up.  I haven’t done this in just about forever.   HDL? LDL? Um, WTH?!  I guess I’d better go figure that out.
  4. Learn your family’s health history.  This is tricky if your family is the “don’t ask, don’t tell” type, but pry it out of them.
  5. Get more sleep.  Yes please.
  6. Assess your stress – take a quiz and get tips to lower it.  Sounds good.  Cause mama should probably have more means of dealing with it than reese’s peanut butter cups and margaritas.  I guess. If I have to.
  7. Take a quiz on your fitness level and get tips to get your ass in gear.  (I think I see Zumba in my future.)

You have lots of time to get these steps done.  To qualify for the prize you have to go down 10% of your body weight or get to a healthy bmi.  And they suggest you do it in 2 lbs/week increments.  Not crazy biggest-loser-style.  Amen.

I’m all in.  Will you join me?  If you do, and I win, I’ll be sure to throw a few bucks your way!

Maybe.

 

Spinning: At least I didn’t die.

Posted May 4, 2011 Fitness 5 Comments

 

Now that I am in the thick of 3-day training, I have been looking into good cross-training workouts again.

And, well, here I am, just home from my very first spinning class.  Walking four miles is still unpleasant, but something inside me said that spinning would be lovely!  Yeah.

I guess I would sum it up by saying “Spinning: at least I didn’t die.”

 

I like my slogan better, but whatever floats your boat. (Photo from Flickr)

 

Actually, I should say, at least I didn’t die for the part I made it through.  Because I didn’t last the whole time.  30 minutes was all I had in me, even though it was a 45 minute class.  Mostly because I was very fearful that I was going to hurl all over the bike.  And then they definitely wouldn’t have invited me back.  And that would have been tragic. Ahem.

Here are the lessons I learned…be warned that most of them are gross:

  1. Food is good, mkay.  I went at noon, having not eaten since my bowl of multigrain cheerios with strawberries this morning.  I knew 10 minutes in that I didn’t have enough fuel in my system to get me through class. Duh.
  2. I sweat like a man.  This actually should be placed in a “things you have confirmed, yet again” list, but whatever.
  3. Purple looks much better as a shirt color, than it does as a face color.  Yeah, I’m super hot.
  4. Bicycle seats hurt the nethers.  Just sayin.
  5. While I’m sure the really sweet instructor (who got my bike ready, gave me instructions, and checked on me a few times) was just trying to be nice, yelling “THANKS MANDY!  COME AGAIN SOON,” when I was trying to quietly duck out of class so that no one saw my aforementioned sweat covered clothing and purple face, I still kinda felt like an ass.
  6. Sometimes, when I do really hard (for me, at least) cardio, I cough and cough and cough afterwards.  I like to think of it as the tiny little bronchi and alveoli coming out of a long hibernation, stretching, and then promptly getting their asses handed to them.

Will I go back again?  Yes, I think so.  If only to prove that I can make it through a whole class.  Then, again to prove that I can do all of the moves when the instructor says too.  Then, maybe again to prove that I can set my resistance above the “big sissy” level. Accomplishing these tasks should only take about….ehhh….a year or two, right?  Pfft.

Yeah, I’m a glutton for punishment.

My Christmas Fitness Present

Posted November 18, 2010 Fitness 7 Comments

Howdy Partners! How y’all doin’?! Fitness wise, I mean…

Me? Not so good. And my motivation has gone out to pasture.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen any decent, long term loses. I’ve participated in challenges, I’ve worked out, but in the end, it’s just not working. And honestly, that just leads to this really awesome feeling of loathing and a fantastic loss of self-worth! Just want I want for Christmas! (Oh, I’m sorry. Did my drops of sarcasm hit you in your eye? My bad.)

I’m not really sure what to do about it. So, I’ll revert to my go-to health motto: fake it til you make it.

Do I want to eat healthy and not indulge in copious amounts of “holiday” food ever day? Nope. But I’ll fake it til I do.
Do I want to workout and feel like I have to get sweaty in order to have a great day? Nope. I’ll fake it til I do.
Do I want to throw my scale, my tight jeans and the stupid Wii Fit person who saids “Uh-Oh” out the window? YEP. But, I’ll fake like I don’t. For now. Unless that little guy in the wii gets anymore uppity, then it’s gonna be a smack down of epic proportions…

Holiday Hoedown Challenge

This brings me to all that country-fried talkin’ from up above. (OOPS…my bad, I mean country-FIED, not fried. No really, I wasn’t just thinking about fried food. Swear.) I’m joining The Sisterhood for the Holiday Hoedown – 5 weeks of fitness challenges and camaraderie in the attempt of not taking on the “Thanksgiving Thirteen.” What? That’s not a real thing? Oh, um…..anyway…..

Now, I have to tell you all (sorry, I mean “y’all”) what my goals are. This is a challenge for me in and of itself seeing as how I have absolutely no freaking clue. But, I think it’s best to not get all crazy and say I’m going to lose 15 pounds when we all damn well know it will be a miracle just to walk away from December with a loss.

On that note, this is my plan:

  • Workout.  I was going to say 5-6 times a week, but just right now, I decided I’m going to try something different.  I’m going to let my conscience do the talking.  If it says, “Hey, lazy ass, get up and do some squats…” then I will oblige.  If it says “Hey, sweet thang, sit down and take a load off, because you’ve been working hard…” then I’ll do that too.  (But, don’t worry, my conscience is a bitch, so I’m sure she’ll have me up & at ‘em.  The hooker.)
  • Make dinner, no soda in the house, and consume more water/fruit/veggies than humanly possible.  Or, at least, a lot.
  • Journal.  Not so much to count calories or points, but to get a feel for my “mood-to-hunger” ratio.  I think this will give me insight. I also plan on tracking workouts, and stress levels.  (And if that doesn’t teach me a thing, then I’ll go back to weight watchers.)

I’m not sure if this will result in a loss.  But honestly, right now I just need a win. I want to feel like I can do this.  So if I lose 8, 5, or 1 pound, then yay!  If I stay the same, then that’s fine too.  If I gain?  Well, I guess that’s okay as long as I gain some knowledge, but the wii guy will be walking with a limp.

I just want to walk away from these 5 weeks feeling like I can and will – not like it’s hopeless.  Cause right now…I’m faking it too much.  And it’s getting old.  And I don’t know if I can keep it up.  I think a little insight is the best Christmas present I can give myself at the moment.

Do you have a Christmas fitness present you want to give to yourself?  I’d love to hear it or your thoughts on my present.  Comment below!

Weighin’ In on Shrinkvivor & Fit for Fitbloggin

Posted September 22, 2010 Fitness 7 Comments

It’s my Birthday and I’ll vlog if I want too…
Stop laughing at my freeze frame.





(I lost 2 pounds if ya wanted to know…)

Linkage:

  1. Fitbloggin, home of Fit for Fitbloggin
  2. Shrinking Jeans, home of the Shrinkvivor Challenge
  3. Jen In Real Life, home of Jen.

Now, where are my presents?